Rating the Beatles

Using the British / CD editions for pre Sgt. Pepper albums. Not Included: Yellow Submarine – Why? The four original songs are basically throw away songs. TWO of them are George songs. In full disclosure, I am a John Lennon guy. If my takes seem slanted a bit towards J.L. you can add whatever pinch of salt to that you deem necessary.

13. Please Please Me – There’s no denying the title track, I Saw Her Standing There and Twist And Shout – and I like Ringo’s number Boys. The rest is easily forgotten – except Paul singing flat on Love Me Do. *cringe* - isn’t a producer supposed to notice things like that?

12. Beatles For Sale – Their fourth album in 21 months finds the boys digging deep into covers to fill the album out. A medley of Kansas City-Hey Hey Hey Hey gives Paul a showcase, while John Belting out Chuck Berry’s Rock And Roll Music is an instant classic. But the real deal here is the influence of Bob Dylan [A Parisian DJ had given them The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan – said Paul, “We were ALL potty on Dylan.”] which will blossom in the next two records. Two of John’s songs, I’m A Loser and Baby’s In Black are among the most important in the Beatles catalog. But this is a pretty forgettable record.

11. Magical Mystery Tour – While this “album” is helped by Capitol’s decision to add Strawberry Fields Forever, Penny Lane, All You Need Is Love, Baby You’re A Rich Man, the crapitudity of 4 of the other 6 songs from the actual movie are so hard to overcome. Having said that, John’s I Am the Walrus is amazing and I like Paul’s Fool On the Hill.

10. Help! – Straddling the line of rock and folk [not unlike Dylan’s Bringing It All Back Home released five months earlier], this album contains three Lennon classics [title cut, You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away, Ticket To Ride] and McCartney’s Yesterday. I personally always liked You’re Gonna Lose That Girl and Dizzy Miss Lizzy is just another barn burning cover with a Lennon lead. There are also a few less memorable bits which keep this from being one you reach for often.

9. Let It Be – There are not any real stinkers here but there isn’t a whole lot of enthusiasm here either. One After 909, I’ve Got A Feeling and Dig A Pony are cool. Two Of Us is kinda fun. George’s I Me Mine and For You Blue are okay.  What would George Martin have done with The Long And Winding Road? We will never know. It just feels so final it’s ahrd to listen to for pleasure.

[Hmm, I just noticed that 3 of my bottom five are associated with films.]

8. With the Beatles – the first real feel of what turned the Beatles into household names after that appearance on TV. Tight harmonies and arrangements that fulfill the promise of [the song] Please Please Me. The 7 Lennon/McCarney originals all just smoke with immediacy and even George’s Don’t Bother Me is enjoyable. It’s actually the covers that drag this down. Taken with the two singles that book end this period, She Loves You and I Want To Hold Your Hand… well you know the rest of the story.

7. The Beatles [aka “The White Album”] – 28 songs [plus the gawdawful mess of Revolution 9] sprawling across four sides, there’s bound to be some less than great moments. IMHO, most provided by Paul although he did contribute Helter Skelter. Dear Prudence is one of my top 5 Beatles songs. Side 2 used to be what I’d go to sleep to in my late teen years so that is burned into my brain. Really, it’s only the turnaround from side 3 [Long, Long, Long] to side 4 [Revolution 1, Honey Pie] that drags. Savoy Truffle is brilliant.

6. Past Masters – because this set contains all of the non-album singles: She Loves You, I Want To Hold Your Hand, This Boy, I Feel Fine, Day Tripper, We Can Work It Out, Paperback Writer, Rain, Lady Madonna, Hey Jude, Revolution, Don’t Let Me Down, Get Back, The Ballad Of John and Yoko plus I Call Your Name, Long Tall Sally, Matchbox, and Bad Boy. Are there some clunky B-sides. Oh for sure. But that list of hit singles – holy cow! Personally, I find The Mono Masters even more rewarding.

5. Abbey Road – the most polished of the bands releases, it’s hard to argue with that track line up – except Maxwell’s Silver Hammer of course. George unleashed Something and Here Comes the Sun here and Ringo contributes Octopus’ Garden. Paul does contribute the great Oh! Darling, which John liked but stated “He should have let me sing it. It’s more my style.”  The Medley. Great editing. Features some fine moments.

4. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – As important as this album is to the history of rock and roll and music in general, I just don’t think it’s the Beatles best record. But without any doubt A Day In the Life is the best thing they ever accomplished. George Martin has lamented not including Strawberry Fields Forever and Penny Lane [the first two songs cut in the sessions] – can you imagine those two leading into Good Morning / Sgt Pepper Reprise and A Day In the Life? But in keeping with British tradition, any songs used for singles were NOT included on albums. Anyway, there’s no denying its place as one of the greatest achievements in music.

3. A Hard Day’s Night – the first collection of songs written exclusively by the band it’s the most solid of the “early” period Beatles albums. With the two hit singles [title track, Can’t Buy Me Love], this may be the first record where the “filler’ holds up as well as the singles, with the exception of I’ll Cry Instead. You Can’t Do That remains one of my all time favorite Beatles riffs [and features a great cowbell!].

2. Revolver – sigh, yes it has fucking Yellow Submarine. But it has Taxman, Elanor Rigby, Got To Get You Into My Life, She Said, She Said, I’m Only Sleeping, And Your Bird Can Sing, For No One [maybe my favorite Paul song] and Tomorrow Never Knows. This is an album where the good is SO GOOD that it allows one to overlook the ‘merely okay.’

1. Rubber Soul – [Note: this is an amazing reversal of 30 years of claiming Revolver as my favorite Beatles album – and on certain days it might still be!] This is the near perfect Beatles album. The harmonies all over this album are superior. George’s songs – If I Needed Someone, Think For Yourself  are okay. Ringo’s [+ John & Paul] country / rockabilly number What Goes On is also a great toe tapper. Paul’s Michelle is another one of my favorites of his. But of course it’s John Lennon leading the way here – Norwegian Wood, Nowhere Man, The Word, Girl and In My Life. If asked where to start seriously looking into the Beatles beyond the hits [meaning that the 1962-1966 and 1967-1970 collections are still great and enough for any good rock and roll music collection], then this is the one I say to start with.

Just for fun – The AMERICAN albums rated:

1. Yesterday And Today – containing Drive My Car, Nowhere Man, If I Needed Someone and What Goes On from Rubber Soul, Yesterday, and Act Naturally From Help! [making it a rare Beatles album to feature two tracks with Ringo on lead vocals!!], the double-A side single We Can Work It Out / Day Tripper AND three of John’s Revolver tracks: I’m Only Sleeping, And Your Bird Can Sing and Dr. Robert. As a collection of tracks, this is a damn fine snapshot of the Beatles progress in one measly year!

2. Meet the Beatles – Kicking off with the mighty, mighty single I Want To Hold Your Hand, Capitol surrounded that [and the beautiful harmonious B-side This Boy] with 9 of the best tracks from With the Beatles plus I Saw Her Standing There.

3. Revolver – even stripped of three of the best songs, this is an AMAZING album.

4. Rubber Soul – so diluted as the 14 songs of the UK release are pared down to just 10 songs from that mighty, mighty album plus two tracks peeled off of Help!. Somehow it starts off with I’ve Just Seen A Face [one of the tracks peeled off of Help!, the other being It’s Only Love]. A mighty strange decision from Capitol when Drive My Car AND Nowhere Man were there and either would have been a great kick off track! But then again Capitol doesn’t strike me as one of the brightest labels in the world, either.*

5. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

6. Abbey Road

7. The Beatles

8. Something New – since the soundtrack to A Hard Day’s Night [released on Untied Artists records in the US] was padded out with orchestral arrangement of four tunes, Capitol was happy to take the back And I Love Her, If I Fell, I’ll Cry Instead and I’m Happy Just To Dance With You, add a couple of covers from the British Long Tall Sally EP, 3 more songs from the UK A Hard Day’s Night and  I Want To Hold Your Hand sung IN GERMAN [because that’s what the English speaking world was really waiting for! See what I man about Capitol being “geniuses” yet? On the other hand, they just got people to pay twice for four songs they already had if they bought UA’s A Hard Day’s Night, so…]

9. Let It Be

10. Hey Jude – the 1970 collection is the only place other than A Hard Day’s Night soundtrack to find Can’t Buy Me Love [until Capitol began endlessly repackaging Beatles product in the ‘70s. Perversely other than same said soundtrack and the single, the song A Hard Day’s Night would not appear on an album until Capitol released the 1962-1966 anthology in 1973.] I also collects the single Paperback Writer / Rain [1966], Lady Madonna, Hey Jude / Revolution [1968], and 1969’s The Ballad Of John and Yoko / Old Brown Shoe and Don’t Let Me Down [b-side of Get Back]. With this package Capitol only leaves only a few scraps on the floor until the CD age – the George penned Indian flavored B-side to Lady Madonna, The Inner Light and the B-side to the Let It Be single, the very odd You Know My Name [Look Up the Number].** Having heard these two tracks, I would just comment that they are definitely NOT worth seeking out.

11. Magical Mystery Tour

12. Beatles ’65 – a mish-mash of tracks from the UK A Hard Day’s Night, the I Feel Fine / She’s A Woman single and 8 tracks [including the key tracks I’m A Loser and Baby’s In Black] from Beatles For Sale.

13. The Beatles Second Album – whomever picked the tracks from With the Beatles to go on the US LP Meet the Beatles picked all of the gems [well, the cover of Roll Over Beethoven that opens the album is pretty hot]. Also featuring She Loves You, Long Tall Sally and I Call Your Name form the UK Long Tall Sally EP and She Loves You’s dreadful B-side I’ll Get You. Somehow they also got You Can’t Do That from the forthcoming [UK] A Hard Day’s Night, too.

14. Beatles VI – 6 tracks from Beatles For Sale, 3 the from the upcoming [UK] Help! LP, a cover of Larry Williams’ Bad Boy sung by John [a favorite!] and the very awful B-side of Ticket To Ride, Yes It Is.

15. Help! – the seven original songs that appear in the movie padded out with 5 orchestral arrangements

16. A Hard Day’s Night – as noted, Capitol would sell you four of these songs again in a month on the deceptively titled Something New.

17. The Early Beatles – since Capitol had first rights to the Beatles in America and PASSED in 1963 [and given most of the material on Please Please Me, I probably would have, too], those songs were licensed in the US to the Vee-Jay label, most notable for being the home of the Four Seasons featuring Franki Valli. Eventually agreements were made and Capitol pushed this out in March of 1965. While it has Twist And Shout, Boys and Please Please Me, the rest is pretty forgettable.

* In the 1990s and so far in the 2000s while other labels have cashed in [ and re-cashed and even in some cases re-recashed] on re-mastering their artists catalongs, Capitol has been most stingy with re-releases. I half-jokingly state “If you were signed to Capitol and your band name did not start with a ‘B,’ you’re not shit to Capitol.” They have focused on baby boomer cash cows the Band, the Beach Boys and the Beatles [and Beatles solo albums] – and if those bands keep making you tons of cash on stuff you paid for 60 year ago, why not? And while some bands have gotten a little love [Grand Funk Railroad, Duran Duran] one wonders why albums like Bob Seger’s Night Moves, Stanger In Town and /or Against the Wind have never been given the FULL treatment while loads of “greatest hits” collections keep pouring out. Ditto for the Steve Miller Band other than the 30^th anniversary Fly Like An Eagle and oh, those hits! [In this case, I believe Steve owns the masters to everything after The Joker, including FLAE, so that may be his own fault – but I think the Book Of Dreams is LONG overdue, Stevie Guitar! Someone all ready did 6 songs for that last “hits” collection!] Even some second tier artists like April Wine could use a fresh coat of paint!

** Capitol left very, very little on the floor of the Beatles. From my very unofficial count, there was the single From Me To You [showed up on 1962-1966] / Thank You Girl, the B-side to Help!, I’m Down, the single version of Get Back [the take on Let It Be is a truncated live take from the Apple rooftop . the single would not appear on an LP until 1973’s 1967-1970 collection]  and She Loves You in German, Sie Lebt Dich. Plus the two b-sides mentioned earlier.

*** As I noted on my Rating the Rolling Stones, it may be worth your while to seek out the MONO mixes of Help! and Rubber Soul [and if you’re going hard core Revolver – but if you’re going hard core you probably all ready bought The Beatles In Mono box]. Originally the first four were all in mono [they may still be – I’m not 100% sure, but any stereo mixes would be some artificial stereo]. But Sir George Martin attempted to “fix” the stereo mixes of those albums with the 1987 original CD re-issues and while I lived with them for 20 years, very shortly after I got the mono box, I ditched the stereo versions completely. The separation of music into on channel and voices into the other is just no longer satisfying to me. As for the mono Revolver, the mixes are fascinatingly different on Tomorrow Never Knows and I’m Only Sleeping. There a differences on Sgt. Pepper as well.

Having said all that, not only have I got the Stones in mono, I have gone back through Motown’s catalog SPECIFICALLY seeking out mono mixes up to 1967/68 when stereo became the norm for singles and LPs. Motown’s The Ultimate collections of the Miracles, the Supremes, the Four Tops, etc. DO use the mono singles in most cases and are worth seeking out. One has to CAREFULLY go through The Complete Motown Singles on Amazon – though they usually document different mixes. I don’t believe Stax has a separate and distinct mono even on their Complete Singles collection, but I am still looking.

Rating the Rolling Stones [the first 20 years]

For reference, I’m going to use the U.S. releases as these were the prevalent CD’s until 2002.  Note that the U.K. versions of  1965’s Out Of Our Heads and 1966’s Aftermath vary greatly [1967’s Between the Buttons less so] from what the U.S. market was given – like the Beatles, the Stones’ singles in the U.K. were not put on the album. And like the Beatles the two countries releases were synched up in 1967, in this case starting with Their Satanic Majesties.

21. Metamorphosis – As a result of splitting from Allen Klein at the end of the 60s, Klein’s company ABKCO won control of the Stones masters from 1962-1969. This dump of 14 outtakes plus a decidedly morbid Heart Of Stone with an organ as the lead instrument and Out Of Time with strings is mostly bottom of the barrel dreck. Even the Stones take on Memo From Turner is pretty bad. [The London Singles Collection uses Jagger’s first solo single version with Ry Cooder on guitar.] Save your ears and just get Don’t Lie To Me, I Don’t Know Why, Jiving Sister Fanny and I’m Going Down off of Amazon and don’t look back.

20. Flowers – As noted, [and much as Capitol had done with the Beatles], the stones US/Canada label London felt free to cut and paste the Rolling Stones catalog as it was received. In most cases this was to add whatever singles were out or had just finished their run. Flowers is the second collection of a couple of singles plus songs pulled from the UK versions of Aftermath and Between the Buttons. [I actually would recommend seeking out the UK versions of those two CDs for your collection.] While it does contain Ruby Tuesday, Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby and Let’s Spend the Night Together, you will be getting those on other releases. The only real necessity here is the folky Sittin’ On A Fence.

19. 12x5 – unlike the Beatles, who were writing their own songs from the get go, Jagger and Richards didn’t start writing their own songs until 1964. So the early, early Stones records are mainly covers. While this can be good if you’re picking good material, some of the covers here leave something to be desired. Not so of their takes of Chuck Berry’s Around and Around and  Bobby and Shirley Woamck’s It’s All Over Now. [The version of Time Is On My Side here starts with the organ – and I hate that version.] Jagger and Richards come through here with the very under rated Good Times, Bad Times [not to be confused with the Led Zeppelin song with the same title]. The band jam [credited to Nanker Phelge and names in honor of the location of Chess Records studio] 2120 South Michigan Avenue is surprisingly funky for English white boys. Bill Wyman smokes on this track!

18. The Rolling Stones, Now! – again a lot of covers here. Stand outs include the 1940 boogie woogie number Down the Road Apiece and Willie Dixon’s Little Red Rooster [a long time favorite of mine]. Mick and Keith add Heart Of Stone and What A Shame but still a thin record.

17. It’s Only Rock And Roll – with Keith deep into addiction, the Micks [Jagger and Taylor] try to soldier on with decidedly mixed results. The funky Dance Little Sister and Fingerprint File are pretty good. The title track I’m tired of but it’s a good song. And Time Waits For No One is absolutely stunning, a great showpiece for Taylor’s guitar playing. Unfortunately, those are about the only highlights and lack of writing credit for his work led to Taylor exiting the band at the end of the year.

16. Aftermath – While this does contain three of my favorite tracks from this period, Stupid Girl, Lady Jane and Under My Thumb, the rest of this album just really does nothing for me.

15. Their Satanic Majesties Request – ah yes, the band’s acid tinged album. She’s A Rainbow, 2000 Light Years From Home and Citadel are great tracks. The Lantern is pretty good. But overall, yeah it’s pretty mediocre. Unless you like a lot of Mellotron.

14.  Out Of Our Heads – While the US version adds [I Can’t Get No] Satisfaction and The Last  Time and also contains the hilarious Under Assistant West Coast Promotion Man, the under rated Spider And the Fly and Play With Fire, the covers again slow this collection down.

13. Emotional Rescue – the Stones second album with Woody is an okay album. Despite how cringeworthy it is now, the title track was a top 5 US hit. But with songs like Down In the Hole, Let Me Go and She’s So Cold, it’s not terrible like say It’s Only Rock And Roll.

12. Goats Head Soup - while I have come to like this a little more over the last couple of years, coming off of the four albums before this, the Stones were due for a bit of a “coming down.” Angie is another song I’m tired of. It does have Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (yes that’s the official title) [Heartbreaker], another great track for Mick Taylor in Winter, the fun Silver Train and the evil Dancing With Mr. D. Again, a good record, just not one I reach for a lot.

11. Black And Blue – While it holds a special place in my heart, being the first Stones record I was exposed to, this mishmash is what it is. I like Hot Stuff, Fool To Cry and Crazy Mama is a great little gem. But it’s the semi-autobiographical Memory Motel that’s the standout track on this album.

10. The Rolling Stones [aka England’s Newest Hit Makers] – the debut by the Stones is more memorable that the Beatles [Please Please Me]. Powered along by Muddy Waters’ I Just Want To Make Love To You and I’m A King Bee, Buddy Holly’s Not Fade Away, Nat King Cole’s Route 66 and Chuck Berry’s Carol.

9. Between the Buttons – London peeling off two tracks to add Let’s Spend the Night Together and Ruby Tuesday actually works to make this a better record than the UK version. A lot of tracks I dig like Yesterday’s Papers, Connection, My Obsession and Miss Amanda Jones.

8. December’s Children [And Everybody’s] – this collection of tracks released just in time for Christmas in 1965 compiles the single Get Off My Cloud and the rest of the UK version of Out Of Our Heads. It’s actually one of my favorites of the early period Rolling Stones.

7. Through the Past, Darkly [Big Hits, Vol. 2] – You’re going to need some Rolling Stones compilation to get the two great singles Jumpin’ Jack Flash and Honky Tonk Women [and the good Dandelion]. If you’re just a casual fan of the band, this record or Hot Rocks 1964 – 1971] will fit the bill.With Hot Rocks, you'll also get 19th Nervous Breakdown, a couple of cuts from Let It Bleed and Sticky Fingers and the positively smoking Get Your Ya Yas version of Midnight Rambler. But you're going to pay double CD prices.

6. Tattoo You – while this is a compilation of vault tracks from as far back as 1972 [Waiting On A Friend and Tops, with Mick Taylor on guitar, not Ron Wood] side 1 is a lineup of killer rockers, even if I could go a long time without hearing Start Me Up again. The 2002 CD version even restore about a minute and a half of the great groove tune Slave. Side 2 starters Worried About You and Tops are just okay, I always liked the sweeping tone on Heaven.

5. Beggar’s Banquet – a similarly critical turning point for the Stones as Rubber Soul was for the Beatles this album marks the beginning of a classic period of the Stones history. The Stones left pop and psychedelics completely behind and dug back into their roots in blues and country. It was the last album on which Brian Jones played a major contribution [notably sitar and tanpura on Street Fighting Man and the wonderful slide guitar part on No Expectations] and the first of a run of five with producer Jimmy Miller. While I could go a long, long time without hearing Sympathy For the Devil again, there’s a great pile of tracks I can enjoy: No Expectations, Parachute Woman, the extremely fun Jigsaw Puzzle, Street Fighting Man and  the low down Stray Cat Blues.

4. Some Girls – Ron Wood’s official debut as a full member of the band [though he was not made a full partner until 1990]. Some Girls is a great recovery from a band that had seemed in free fall for a couple of years. The songs are short and intensely focused thanks to Woody’s guitar style meshing with Keith’s into what Keith calls “the fine art of weaving.**” And the Stones finally redeem themselves for two previous bad covers of Tempations songs with Just My Imagination [Running Away With Me]. While one can argue whether certain songs are now played to death [Miss You] and how Jagger’s syrupy faux country voice on Far Away Eyes [And Dear Doctor. And Dead Flowers] gets old after a few hundred plays, it’s hard to argue with these 10 songs as one of the strongest Stones albums ever.

3. Exile On Main Street – while it was not well received in 1972, this double album has risen to become many people’s “best” Stones album. I am not one of those people. Still, hitting on 15-16 of 18 tracks is pretty damn good! This album runs the gamut of basic Stones rockers [All Down the Line, Soul Survivor] to country tinged [Sweet Virginia, one of my favorites, Torn And Frayed] to blues [Slim Harpo’s Shake Your Hips, Robert Johnson’s Stop Breaking Down] to gospel [Let It Loose, Shine A Light]. Also has two of the best songs the Stones ever laid to tape: Tumbling Dice and Keith’s lead spotlight song Happy.

2. Let It Bleed – from the opening notes of Gimme Shelter to the last strains of the London Bach Choir, this is perhaps the quintessential Stones album. It was my favorite and perhaps sits more of a 1-A [depending on the day] to Sticky Fingers. At times You Can’t Always Get What You Want seems bloated but you can’t argue with Gimme Shelter, Love In Vain, the under-rated Live With Me and Monkey Man.

1. Sticky Fingers – starting with Brown Sugar [did you know Mick wrote that while in Australia filming Ned Kelly?] and ending with the dreamy Moonlight Mile, this is just an amazing album. Wild Horses is just one of the most beautiful songs the band has ever done, the outro jam on Can’t You Hear Me Knocking, the hard driving riff and horns on Bitch, the Memphis inspired soul of I Got the Blues and Ry Cooder’s stinging slide work on Sister Morphine are all just jaw dropping even almost 50 years later. If you listen closely to the lyrics of Moonlight Mile, that’s about as personal as you’re gonna get from Mick.

* If you’re going to be an elitist completist, you’re going to have to get More Hot Rocks [Big Hits and Fazed Cookies] for about 10 songs and probably still wind up getting half a dozen other compilations to get one or two songs on each. If you’re THAT into the Stones, be my guest, it’s your money. However, for the ABKCO years you might consider the alternative of The Rolling Stones In Mono. Unfortunately it does duplicate some tracks by including both the US and UK versions of Out Of Our Heads and Aftermath and includes the US only album Flowers. But you’ll get everything ABKCO controls up after 2009, when several songs [notably Brown Sugar and Wild Horses] reverted back to the band. From personal experience, just like the Beatles catalog up through Rubber Soul, I find the Stones catalog in mono a little more satisfying than the sometimes weird stereo mixes [especially weird and uneven on Between the Buttons!].

** My Uncle J. Michael Leone, God rest his soul, used to tell me that Ron Wood was “absolutely the worst choice” the Stones could have made to replace Mick Taylor. In a way, I get that – Ron Wood as a lead guitar player is not in the same class as Mick Taylor. However, Mick Taylor was not the kind of guitar player who really “meshed” with Keith Richards. Coming from being the lead and rhythm guitarist for the Faces, Ronnie would just switch between the two as the song needed. I think that this wall of guitars where you don’t know who played what [and Keith says sometimes they don’t either] allowed him to move around the rhythm as well instead of being forced to anchor it at all times. SOME people have called Ron Wood a “Keith Clone.” My take on it is that Ron Wood can play like Keith but Keith can’t play like Ronnie.

Organizing My Thoughts After the Passing Of My Friend

When the messages start coming, phone calls from people you least expect, you absolutely fear something dreadful has happened. When I see my sister’s number or an uncle’s number appear at a time they should be aware I am working, the heart leaps into the throat and the muscles in the neck tighten in fear. Has something happened to Mom? Dad? Uncle Dickie? R.T.? Aunts’ uncles, cousins and so on…

The one message just said “Did you hear about Tracey?” It was enough. I have been around the block enough times and old enough to know what this means. At the age my friends are now, it’s going to rarely be “Tracey’s getting married!” or “Tracey won a million dollars in the lottery!”

This one hit me square in the heart.

One’s mind floods with memories once things sink in. One of my first memories of Tracey is this tough little skull capped, bearded biker looking dude who worked at the Husrt Sound Warehouse and he brought some CDs to the communal-ish apartment. I asked him about a Steely Dan song I had heard on the radio, he told me it was Show Biz Kids and it was on Countdown To Ecstasy. It was in that pile of CDs and I asked if I could borrow it for a couple of days to tape it. He said sure and take Katy Lied,too, “it’s a very similar record, you’ll like it.” Over the next decade or so over a million beers, many tacos and Chinese takeout dinners and games of Hearts, Spades and Sega NHL 93 I got to know Tracey very well. I would have considered him as a very good friend if not one of my best friends for that time period.

In the digital age, we don’t even get the courtesy of an equally sad friend calling and passing the bad news and allowing you to commiserate your disbelief and grief even for a few minutes. We are within minutes able to tell the world via text, Instant Message and social media. Within minutes we are able to post on the now passed person’s page out shock and grief not only with word but GIF and mixed media messages. Tracey himself said he didn’t want “all the responses this will garner in which people either offer solutions, personal anecdotes, or worse yet, digital hugs and I-love-yous,…” yet that is EXACTLY what has happened. We pour our love into a now empty place where our friend should be standing and say all of those things we probably didn’t say face to face like “You’re important to me. You’re a great friend and you bring a lot into my life and I am grateful for that. I love you, man.” Yet somehow, for all of the ways we have to stay connected, my friend felt cut off from the herd, disconnected from the hive. Kinda sort of.

I’m not the first nor will I be that last to suggest that for all of our instant communication, we are connecting less. We do have a need to be social and our pre-digitally wired brains deem that we need to see people in person, touch people, and breathe the same air… I truly don’t know if Tracey had a group of friends with whom he regularly or even irregularly met to blow off steam and bond with. It would be incredibly sad if he didn’t because he could carry on a conversation about the Parliament/Funkadelic Empire of George Clinton or Greek Philosophers or anything in between. He was one of those people who was incredibly smart but who never held it over people [as I have been known to].

Still, friendships are a two way street. We all have those people with whom it seems like we do all of the reaching out to, sometimes met with great cheer, sometimes with blank nothingness. Some of these people get completely left behind, some reside in our Facebook friends profiles but don’t hit our feeds because they never post or posted so much bullshit you had to unfollow them for your sanity. [People who post a ton of political things fall into this category for me.] But some people just don’t initiate contact for whatever reason. . Tracey was easy to find at Forever Young and even if I didn’t buy anything, I could and did touch base with him. But I hadn’t physically crossed paths with Tracey in ten years or maybe more. Once he moved out to Murphy it seemed that he refused to come near the Tarrant / Dallas county line anymore. Or never announced it anyway: “Hey Tarrant County friends, crossing that line, let’s meet for a beer or something.” After he moved, I would only see what he posted on the Facebook, once in a while I would ask a detailed question but I wouldn’t say we spoke much. But I was happy for him having straightened his life out and completed school and becoming a semi-productive member of society. In 1990, 1995 or 2000 that didn’t seem likely or possible.

The saddest thing is that Tracey felt that he was at a dead end and instead of turning around and trying to find the exit, he gave up. Maybe he did try reaching out and was rebuffed or blown off. I suspect his pride would not allow him to make such a call though. He had always viewed the world through George Carlin’s mixture of skepticism, wariness, and sarcasm. In the end, the cancer of disgust, despair and defeat won out. And the world – not the at large world but the world of those of us who knew and loved him – is a sadder place.

As Lester Bangs used to say; “So long, baby and Amen.”

*****

We had a "Celebration Of Life" about a month after I originally wrote that. Such affairs are not ever truly happy times but it was nice to reconnect with some folks that hadn't been seen together for a long, long, LONG time.Between friends we had all collectively lost touch with Tracey. We attribute this to moving through the different stages of out lives with work, family, etc. But as I noted, friendship is a two way street.

One morning between the john and the coffee pot [i.e. before I was fully awake], I had the epiphany that "Each second is a choice - the choice to keep breathing or not."

If you choose to stop breathing, then nothing else matters

Personally, I have never had the serious urge to stop breathing before my natural time is done. Yes, I've muttered Well fuck you I'll just kill myself and then you'll all be sorry. But that's sadness, anger and frustration. My friend chose to stop breathing. 

This is not the same as my "Uncles" who burned out their livers with years of poor lifestyle choices. This is not all of thosae "possible side effects could include" that slowly eroded Uncle Rich. It's not the horrible accident that killed my friends Henry and Heather.

My friend chose to stop breathing.

And that's the part that we're all having ahard time with.

Mojo - A Memorial

Sometime about 9 years ago, my mother called me about getting a pet. It seems she had found two kittens, an all black boy and a calico girl in a tree by her house and now that I was in a house, she thought I needed a friend, er pet. While they were both beautiful kittens and I briefly considered bringing both home, the chaos of having small two kittens in the house was a bit overwhelming. [When Shadow adopted us, joined our little home I found out I was right – being the caretaker of two cats can be trying.] So I took the boy. 

His full name was Mister Mojo Risin’ – obvious reference. It also alludes to Muddy Waters old song. I would have two of the ingredients for a his spell in one: black cat bone and a ‘Mojo’ tooth. But of course pets acquire nicknames – pet names, right? – because of their personality and traits. Mojo was also of course Mr. Mojo. Being shorthaired he became Fuzz, Mr. Fuzz and Fuzzy Fuzzbutt. When he looked regal laying on his sun perch in the laundry he took on Mr. Handome. And Handsome Handsome. I don’t know where I got or started putting the words ‘goof’ and ‘bean’ together but if he was being silly, he was ‘being a goofbean.’

He was ‘fixed.’ I wanted him to be an indoor cat exclusively. But I started letting him wander the yard so he could eat some grass and get some fresh air. The FIRST time he walked across my very busy street – even though it was dark and calm, my heart was in my throat. But he was smaller and faster thanm me and just kept wandering up the neighbor’s yard… 

Through eight years, Mojo was my buddy. Yes, he developed an annoying habit of clawing the box spring and leaping onto the bed – usually several times – just as I was falling asleep at night. But he also lay in my lap and let me pet him while I quietly cried at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.  He tolerated most of what I played musically – Soundgarden usually chased him out to one of the four corners of the house. 

Yesterday I came home early and it was so gorgeous outside I opened the doors and some windows so the cats had free reign. Shadow came in again about 8 but Mojo was nowhere to be seen. 10:30, 11:00, 11:30, midnight, 12:05, 12:10, 12:15, 12:30, 1:00… 1:30… 3:00…4:00… I last checked both doors about 4:30 as I was having trouble sleeping.

This morning, the dread truth.

I live on a very busy street. Not one of the busy arteries, not a major major thoroughfare but a very busy secondary street. And people fly much faster than the posted 30 MPH speed limit. At 30, you’re going 44 feet per second. At 35, 51, at 40 it’s almost 59. Maybe someone yawned as they set out for work. Maybe turned their eyes to change the radio or pick up their coffee cup. Seeing a black cat on a blacktop road at night can be tough even if you’re looking. Maybe it was dawn and the sun had just burst into their eyes over the tree tops and they were flipping the visor down. Maybe they even saw him but travelling at so many feet per second…

My hope is that this was just an accident. I don’t wish the guilt on anyone. I have driven county roads late at night and once heard the thud of bone on metal as a dog chasing my car… It’s a sickening feeling. I try not to hit squirrels but I have seen lots of squirrels, possums, raccoons and pets in or by the road. It is a fact of life. 

That doesn’t subdue the first moments of agony and grief though.

People are funny with their pets. I know I’m not the only one who made rounds at night, locking doors, petting their furry buddies, telling them goodnight and that they love them. The fact that this was inevitable does little to ease today’s pain. 

You deserved longer life, more naps in my lap on chilly Sundays, more nights waking me up just to be petted. You deserved to just fall asleep one day on the bed and just not wake. But it was not to be.

I hope that this was mercifully fast and relatively painless, that you in fact never knew what hit you. I feel you will join the ‘other’ ghost cat here who catches the corner of my eye deep in the night and who pulls down towels off the shower curtain rod.

I will get past this as I usually do. Channeling my feelings into words and pulling myself up by me sneaker strings and doing what I must. But it’s going to be weird for a few weeks.

Thank you for being my buddy. And Shadow’s mentor and ‘older brother.’ We will miss you.

Addenda: Shadow got his name not because he is also a black cat but because he followed one step behind Mojo [once he came out from under the bed] for weeks once he moved in – literally, in his shadow.