Note To Self

Note To Self

I'm sorry I never became what I wanted to
Not Hunter Thompson, Tom Wolfe or Cameron Crowe
Not Rory Gallagher, Ryan Adams, Paul Westerberg or John Doe
Not Jimmy Miller, neither Glyn nor Andy or even Ethan Johns,
Neither Eno nor Lanois
Maybe one day I'll  grow up and know what to be
Maybe ... one day

I'm sorry I never found my confidence or courage
And I never was able to approach 'that one' or 'that (other) one'
Or that oh so sweet friend of that friend - yeah, that's the one
 I'm sorry I let my fear rule and tie me
Heart pounding louder than any bass drum,
Mouth dry as a cotton ball in the desert sun,
Brain firing faster than a Formula One spark plug
But I stood there tongue tied and muted
Smiling but dying a little more every second

And all those words I longed to say
I spilled them across the endless pages
And I have always carried with me
The weight of all those things I never said
All of the longing and desire and sadness and regret
Words unspoken, love letters never mailed

I'm sorry I let these things freeze me
I didn't want to get hurt [again] so I never let anyone get close
And then the loneliness throbbed and ached inside me
Worse than the momentary pinch and sting of rejection
 
I painted myself into corners, hid myself away
Always found the reason not to or just flat out lied to myself
I let opportunities pass, the decision made for me
Just by choosing not to choose
And I hid my sadness and self disappointment in so many drinks
Drinks of self contemplation, self condemnation and self medication
And sometimes I managed to numb it all out for a few hours
Once in a while I did

I used all the lame assed excuses not to put myself out there
"I'm not interesting, not good looking, not good enough, so not worthy..."
And anyone who tried climbing over the walls
I pushed away and pushed away and pushed away
Until they finally left me be
And I sank deeper into my cubby hole
Bathing in television blue and playing my records
Trying to make myself feel better
And once in a month of Sundays or every other blue moon it did...

I'm sorry for some of the things I've done
I'm sorry for hurting people, intentionally or not
I used some women and toyed with hearts and bodies
And I should and will probably always carry a little bit of sorry for that
But it's time to let the sorry and the guilt fly
Time to cast off mistakes and failures
Cast of those "you surely knew better better but you did it anyway"
And the "oh my God, you were so young and God damned immature" regrets
For so long the innocent naive boy in the body of a full grown man

I'm sorry that for so long I've carried sadness, guilt and shame that was not mine
This is the burden from the parent to the child
Never asked for, never explained
These things dog us in the subconscious
Passed through DNA, observation and experience
Isolated from a mother's nurturing
Disappointed with the father's example
The anger about the way it all went down
Of actions never owned up to or apologized for
The sadness of not being able to repair her broken heart
Or help her through the golden years now tarnished
With her own bitterness and bile

I'm sorry it took so long to get here
To finally say to the mirror
"This isn't working anymore.
"I've felt stuck for so long
"An island in a river, life and lives flowing all around me...
"Today is the day I make the change
"Today is the day I choose to make changes.

"I deserve to be happy.
"I deserve to have strong, healthy relationships.
"I am worthy of love and of being loved.

"I choose not to let the past control me any longer.
"I have been through these things but I am not of these things.
"These things have shaped me but the do not define me.
"I will remember the lesson but I choose to cast off the regrets, guilt and shame.
"I choose to forgive those who have hurt me
"But most of all I choose to look into the mirror and forgive myself.

"I choose to do my best and make the most of my time here.
"I choose to be the best person, child, brother, in-law, uncle, nephew and friend I can be.
"And on the days I do my best and I don't think I did good enough
"I will tell myself 'I did my best today but today is over.
"'I will get up tomorrow and do my best again.'

I do this for me.
This I choose to do for me.

Note To Self

I'm sorry I never became what I wanted to
Not Hunter Thompson, Tom Wolfe or Cameron Crowe
Not Rory Gallagher, Ryan Adams, Paul Westerberg or John Doe
Not Jimmy Miller, neither Glyn nor Andy or even Ethan Johns,
Neither Eno nor Lanois
Maybe one day I'll  grow up and know what to be
Maybe ... one day

I'm sorry I never found my confidence or courage
And I never was able to approach 'that one' or 'that (other) one'
Or that oh so sweet friend of that friend - yeah, that's the one
 I'm sorry I let my fear rule and tie me
Heart pounding louder than any bass drum,
Mouth dry as a cotton ball in the desert sun,
Brain firing faster than a Formula One spark plug
But I stood there tongue tied and muted
Smiling but dying a little more every second

And all those words I longed to say
I spilled them across the endless pages
And I have always carried with me
The weight of all those things I never said
All of the longing and desire and sadness and regret
Words unspoken, love letters never mailed

I'm sorry I let these things freeze me
I didn't want to get hurt [again] so I never let anyone get close
And then the loneliness throbbed and ached inside me
Worse than the momentary pinch and sting of rejection
 
I painted myself into corners, hid myself away
Always found the reason not to or just flat out lied to myself
I let opportunities pass, the decision made for me
Just by choosing not to choose
And I hid my sadness and self disappointment in so many drinks
Drinks of self contemplation, self condemnation and self medication
And sometimes I managed to numb it all out for a few hours
Once in a while I did

I used all the lame assed excuses not to put myself out there
"I'm not interesting, not good looking, not good enough, so not worthy..."
And anyone who tried climbing over the walls
I pushed away and pushed away and pushed away
Until they finally left me be
And I sank deeper into my cubby hole
Bathing in television blue and playing my records
Trying to make myself feel better
And once in a month of Sundays or every other blue moon it did...

I'm sorry for some of the things I've done
I'm sorry for hurting people, intentionally or not
I used some women and toyed with hearts and bodies
And I should and will probably always carry a little bit of sorry for that
But it's time to let the sorry and the guilt fly
Time to cast off mistakes and failures
Cast of those "you surely knew better better but you did it anyway"
And the "oh my God, you were so young and God damned immature" regrets
For so long the innocent naive boy in the body of a full grown man

I'm sorry that for so long I've carried sadness, guilt and shame that was not mine
This is the burden from the parent to the child
Never asked for, never explained
These things dog us in the subconscious
Passed through DNA, observation and experience
Isolated from a mother's nurturing
Disappointed with the father's example
The anger about the way it all went down
Of actions never owned up to or apologized for
The sadness of not being able to repair her broken heart
Or help her through the golden years now tarnished
With her own bitterness and bile

I'm sorry it took so long to get here
To finally say to the mirror
"This isn't working anymore.
"I've felt stuck for so long
"An island in a river, life and lives flowing all around me...
"Today is the day I make the change
"Today is the day I choose to make changes.

"I deserve to be happy.
"I deserve to have strong, healthy relationships.
"I am worthy of love and of being loved.

"I choose not to let the past control me any longer.
"I have been through these things but I am not of these things.
"These things have shaped me but the do not define me.
"I will remember the lesson but I choose to cast off the regrets, guilt and shame.
"I choose to forgive those who have hurt me
"But most of all I choose to look into the mirror and forgive myself.

"I choose to do my best and make the most of my time here.
"I choose to be the best person, child, brother, in-law, uncle, nephew and friend I can be.
"And on the days I do my best and I don't think I did good enough
"I will tell myself 'I did my best today but today is over.
"'I will get up tomorrow and do my best again.'

I do this for me.
This I choose to do for me.

Sand Y Sol 


 

Sitting on a deck chair

Sweating in the balmy breeze of the Mexican gulf

About a mile from the mouth of the bay of Mobile

Came down 49 highway through Mississippi last night

The road of the bluesmen rode north 

When word came round 'bout Chicago

Sweet home Chicago



I looked for the ghosts of Robert Johnson

Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf and Albert King

But on this moonless night 

There was nothin' unusual to be seen

On the side of the highway

Just rollin' on down the highway with the radio on

Rollin' down the road, rollin' to the sea



In a twist of fate in the driving rain

Pelting Jackson Mississippi this Saturday night

I hear Jacksonville Florida's Skynyrd band

Honkin' on Toronto Ontario's Mr. Neil Young

For ripping on Alabama from his California ranch

The song of course recorded in Georgia, not Muscle Shoals

I smile and keep driving through the Mississippi rain

Headed for the gulf shore

Heading into Gulf Shores



Sitting here now close by the sea

Pastel duplexes and homes on stilts all around

Normal architecture on or near ocean front property

Some with name tags like "Bama Breeze" and "Sand Y Sol"

The others have gone down to play in the surf and sand

Maybe I'll join them in a little while

But for a few minutes just chillin' in my chair

A little dead on the box and a big ol' sweet tea

Let my mind be at ease

Let my soul be at ease