I wish I was someone who put a song in your heart

Put a smile under your nose

Made your eyes sparkle and shine

Warmed your cold, lit your darkness

Eased your worries, gave you courage

Freed you to fly higher than you ever imagined

I wish I was someone you wanted

To navigate and ride shotgun on your adventures

To share your laughs, celebrations and triumphs

To keep your secrets, the good and the bad,

To know your loves, hates and favorite things

I wish that I was someone who excited you

Made your heart beat faster

Or skip beats here and there

Made you nervous with anticipation

And sigh with contentment

Someone who you wanted to dream about

Someone to share your dreams with

Self Loathing

 

Never tried - didn’t believe I could.

Didn’t believe, never felt worthy.

Didn’t understand and couldn’t imagine.

Saw who I was not, what I did not have.

See the beauty and good in you all

And told you and encouraged belief

But never did see what you saw

When you describe me to me.

Envy your boldness, confidence and courage

Because I have refused to reach out, to hold on

Or leap in faith

When I had things that I wanted in reach

Day after night, night after day

Beat myself down for choices made and not made.

Self-tried, convicted and dammed for things I did

Haunted by the things I did not

Remember only the thorns of the rose

And the rain that makes rainbows

The so longs and goodbyes after hellos

And the cloud behind the silver lining

A world colored only black, white and grey

A lonely world inside my four walls

Lonelier surrounded by people in a working cube

No one hears my silent screams…

I don’t think I ever imagined myself here

Don’t think I ever imagined a future at all

I really don’t know why

I just don’t think like that.

Is confession supposed to be good for the soul?

It doesn’t feel very good

At all

Maybe I sabotage myself

Maybe I just never learned how to …

Or what I learned was that dreamers get burned

That people who love and care get burned

And stepped on

And nice guys finish last because we’re gentlemen

Holding the door for others

If you show your weakness

Someone will stab you in it

I know I’m just like you

But sometimes I don’t …

I don’t know how to ask

I don’t know how to phrase what it is I want

If I really know what that is