The Last Time I Saw Richard

 The Last Time I Saw You, Richard...

… you were lying in a hospital bed. Three days of stubbled gray growth dotted face and you seemed even thinner, frailer that the last time I saw you. Obviously the years and the illness had taken their toll but there was still an elegance and grace about you. By now you were sleeping or doped - probably both.

Your wife and daughters were there. We spoke softly at times, shared many memories and laughed at quite a few but no one was kidding themselves. We were there to say goodbye and make sure you eased into the next knowing you were loved and respected. Within 24 hours you would be ‘gone.’ Are any of us really ‘gone’ if our memory lives in people? What does happen to the soul? These are great philosophical discussions that I wish now that we had pondered. But whatever keeps the body going, that makes us each unique among the billions of persons who have ever lived – that force ran out and your mortal body expired.

I had stopped by one morning a few days before. 1030 should have been okay I knocked and opened the door to find you squirming half under the covers trying to work a bedpan. Informed of the situation, I backed out and the nurse soon appeared to help you complete making yourself presentable for company while I waited outside. As I waited I pondered the end – theoretically unable to get form the bed to the can to take a bowel movement in dignified solitude. When I returned and asked how you were you just said to me “I’m dying, man.” It was as matter of fact as anything else – the sky is blue, the summer is hot, I’m dying. But we all know that. Every day we wake up we’re dying. The difference is that you were getting a ballpark expiration date. Like a quart of milk, you may have 6 days after the sell by date, maybe 8 or 9 but at some point that milk is going to sour and you’re going to pour whatever is left down the drain. [I smile as I type that. It’s exactly the kind of analogy you would use.]

This was it – no BS time. End of the line, last stop. The parade of people coming by and calling must be equally tiring and fulfilling. All the lives you’ve touched and made a difference in, people you’ve shared time and space with who want to pay their respects… to tell you ‘so long and thank you for being in my life and I will miss you.’ Reliving the joy, laughter and also the sad days that brought others in or closer. I wonder now how that made YOU feel. Did it raise your spirits or depress you greatly? I know that you knew that it was just a matter of time, that you wouldn't walk out of that room... I hope that the love lifted you to a place that you could close your eyes and tell yourself "I lived a very fulfilling life."

Shortly after this I watched the decade in the making Ken Burns documentary on the Vietnam War. And I knew that if there was a God, He took you when he did just so you wouldn’t see this. Because it would have killed you anyway. It would have raised your blood pressure higher than a second term of Donald J. Trump.  Because Burns got them to admit it. ALL OF IT.

Johnson, MacNamara, Westmoreland, Abrams, the Joint Chiefs, EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS KNEW THAT IT WAS UNWINNABLE. They knew as soon as 1966 . This wasn't going to be "war" in the conventional sense – taking and holding ground, killing the enemy, cutting their supply lines, etc. BUT EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER TOED THE LINE AND KEPT UP THE LIE AND KEPT SENDING YOUNG MEN TO DIE. Just to say “we don’t abandon our allies.” 

The killer was Nixon cutting off Johnson’s cajones in ‘68. In a full act of TREASON, he told the VC not to sign a peace deal [which they would have used just like they did in 73 and 74 to rebuild their troops] and that he would be able to get them a better deal when he was elected.

As soon as I saw that I remembered your oft repeated words about Catch 22. “I read it after I came back and I though the whole thing was about Vietnam.” But you were only half right – it wasn’t about Vietnam, it was The Playbook! The Defense contractors as M and M Enterprises, Johnson and Nixon as Cathcart and Korn [“we just want you to like us.”].

It totally disgusted me and I'm glad and sorry you didn't get to see it. Because I know what you would have said, but I would have liked to hear it from you anyway.

There are a lot of conversations we should have had. I wish now I had more deeply discussed philosophy and your view of God and religion. I wish I had a list of n\books that I should be reading to make myself as smart as you. I wish we had just sat down and chewed the fat about your life and your times. Because those personal little stories and details are the things are the things we treasure when you're gone.

We should have talked about how all of this ‘smart’ technology is just making people dumber. Are we on the verge of becoming “tech reliant” or have we even gone as far as being “tech contingent” right now? Cars that drive themselves [theoretically], apply brakes [except when they don’t and don’t kid yourself that lawsuits won’t be coming because of this] and tell you when you’re crossing the line [on the road, not when you’re F’ing up your life. But how does that work when you’re just changing lanes?] Voice activated remote control. For all this wonderful speed and technology that allows us to do more and more, are we interacting less and less with live human beings? You can order almost anything on Amazon and have it delivered right to your door, then watch someone make off with your package thorough your doorbell camera. [“Hope they enjoy those adult no leak panties!”] We play games with each other over the internet – we don’t even need to be in the same room to trash talk your buddy! You don’t need to go to a book store, you can download books right onto your “book device.” You can call up thousands if not millions of movies and TV shows from almost anywhere at any time of the day.And yet still we are 'bored."

Uncle Rich introduced me to the computer in [pretty sure] the summer of 1979 – Tandy’s good ol’ TRS 80. I had no idea that in four more decades [or almost 4 times my then 12 year old lifetime] I would be awed and wary of the technological advances that we take advantage of daily. The TRS-80 [affectionately, the ‘Trash 80’] used a cassette player to load program data. I assume that this would be similar to the transmission or data over the a modem, but about as slow as molasses poured down from the peak of Everest. There were no graphics to speak of. But at the same time, we were already entering the graphic era with the original Atari game console [now known as the 2600]. Sure to look at it today the graphics are horrible, almost laughable. But on this wonder, I ‘saved’ probably thousands of dollars in quarters by playing arcade[-ish] games right in my home. I would play late at night while the rest of the family was sleeping, Space Invaders, Pac Man, Combat, Night Driver. I found that by jiggling the power button just as the cartridge for Space Invaders booted up that I could get double shots!

For Christmas a couple of years later, Uncle Rich got a video camera, the first we had ever seen. With the 6 -7 pound camera and a whole rig in at between 25 and 30 pounds, we found it easier to hook up the camera on a tripod and leave the recorder on top of the [console] TV. [Back when TVs were tubes, often encased in wood or plastic and heavy. And before remotes, ypu made your kids walk over and change the channel, then tell them not to site TOO close to the TV.]  This would capture a litany of looniness  for the next few years. Our group delighted in our living room productions of The David Letterman Show, Dallas and We Are the World. It stood silent witness to graduation parties, weddings, birthday parties, and an infamously over the top Halloween party. Fortunately, the evidence is now hidden away and rarely spoken of in the presence of Outsiders. It also inspired my sister [for better and worse] to set up the camera at some of her New Year’s Eve parties, to the embarrassment of some. Through the magic of cable TV and the VCR, I was able to have a couple of Gallagher’s specials and a John Fogerty special appearance taped, a tape I enjoyed for many, many years.

Before the fateful winter in Indiana, PA that drove the family to warmer climes, Uncle Rich had been a professional portrait photographer. I mention this in passing to link all of this together.

By the time of his passing in 2017 - in less than HALF of his lifetime! -Uncle Rich could hold in his hand, a device with more computing power than the first rocket to the moon, took higher quality pictures and video than we ever imagined back in 1984, could carry most people’s music collection, send files and photographs almost instantly most anywhere in the world, look up almost anything in instants [“Siri, what was the name of that book that I forget the name of that I used to like so much?”] AND still be used as a plain old telephone [and a flashlight in a pinch]. What a world!

And yet, here we are losing the things that make us, define us a human. We're on 'Social Media" and we always seem to have The Thing stuck to our ear but we're not listening to each other in many meaningful ways. We treat each other as servants to our own [and only our own!] needs as if we were the Only Important Being on the Planet. The facelessness of the Internet, the one sided views we show each other and are shown on 'Social Media' and being instantly reachable via phone or text has turned us into megalomaniacs with hugely distorted views of our own importance.

We're walking [and driving] around like we are in our own little pod of personal space and it's soundproof. What used to be taboo is now remarkably out there. Talking with your doctor about genital warts in line at the McDonald's? Great if you're in the car,not so much as you're standing in line. But really who walks into McDonald's anymore? In line at the dollar store, the grocery or walking around Mega-Lo Mart then. Suddenly it's up to me not to hear your stuff. I know, I'm supposed to be yakking away in my own little cone of silence or listening to something via little tiny ear bugs.. er, buds. But I personally am not most of the time. Is that my problem for not being "new normal/" Or is it your problem because you're not being aware of your surroundings?And driving... I mean we all go places and see people not paying attention and suddenly shooting across three lanes to an exit ramp. We see people with phones to their ear and fumbling with phones. Hell, one day I saw a guy on a motorcycle coming down the freeway on ramp - that's right picking up speed to merge with 70 mph traffic - LOOKING DOWN AT HIS FUCKING PHONE!!!

The places that we used to be "forced" to "endure" each other in awkward silence or meaningless chit chat - airport terminals, on planes, in lines - are now filled with staring at screens. The boredom that used to stimulate conversation and imagination has been replaced by mind numbed, glassy eyed screen watching. We have raised a Blank Generation but it is the blankness of a mind overwhelmed by a constant assault of data and images and noise and an inability to process it all. Wee have raised a generation that we have taught must always be on the move, go, go, go, do, do, do and here's the tools to go and do more faster - but we have left them dependent on the technology with no idea how to truly think for themselves.

Don't get me wrong, technology as a TOOL is a great thing. I like looking up IMDB when we can't remember "that guy that was in..." I do like taking my own music on a plane and enjoying it in doses. But I also enjoy doing a crossword, reading an actual book with pages and I revel in turning all of that off and putting it down and just letting my mind take in sights and sounds and wander and process what I have been through. Of course a mind left to wander also comes up with drivel like this, so take all of that with whatever sixed grain of salt you deem necessary.

We should have had this conversation, Rich. Because I enjoyed your take on things, I loved just hearing what you thought of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know, we're all going to go, but I wish you hadn't had to go so soon and I miss you and I still love you Uncle Rich.

Random Thoughts

Do you know what sucks about social media? You can easily keep up with your exes. A quick Facebook search and there they are. All the stuff in the last year that you've been apart. Yes you broke up for a reason and a good reason like not being 'in love' with them. I looked and one unnamed ex of mine got out of a menial job in to something professional [again] after going through A LOT of shit including BOTH parents passing and other stuff the last few years.
I am very happy for her. She is an amazing person with a deep, deep heart and giving nature with whom I had a great physical relationship and chemistry but not so much everything else relationship wise. And to be honest, I am a litytle jealous because I am looking to get out of my current job situation and into something new.
I would like to actually send a message and say "Good for you, I always knew you could do this." Because I do see the good and try to make other people see that in themselves even though I don't see it in myself. But the reality, the best thing I can do is STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER. I don't want to send a mixed message. Any contact MIGHT be seen as 'I'm still looking at you and I hate that you cut your hair again and I miss your body and how we used to lay together but I'm still not going to commit and even though you're used to that from your relationship with your Dad it's not fair to you because you really do deserve someone who will love you the way you love.'
The last time we were together, I lay there in afterglow and I did see the freckles on your face and the soft curves of your body and I almost uttered those words but I had to choke them back. I don't know what 'Love' means, I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be. In a way I do carry the sins of my father in that I am selfish, I leave my options open. I like being with you to a point and that's NOT what I think 'Love' is about. I would not use my last thoughts at night nor my first thoughts of the new day thinking how I could please, worship and adore you.
Then there's the one I have lusted for all these years since high school and i have been there and i could have but i didn't... I DIDN'T. Is there some fear there that it bursts the bubble of the imagination of the perfect.. I don't know, the perfect fuck? Is there a perfect fuck? I have had some amazing times, many that I can still recall even in my old and inebriated state. But this woman is the Goddess I have worshiped for so long - and now age and years of poor life decisions and self destruction have caught up and I realize I was 'in love' with some ideal representation of her at 19, 21, 25 that is long, long passed. In my dreams, she is still young[-ish] and givesw me wood but the reality now is that maybe it would still be nice by physically I'm not attracted. Hey, I know I'm not what I was at 18, 21, 30 either but...
And there's always The One That Got Away. In our minds it's always good because neither of you ever got older, heavier, ever dealt with real life things like your crazy mother [or Mother In Law], people getting sick and dying and alll the shit that real ife is about. I have one that I think about and wonder "What if...?"
 But that;'s the way I am wired. All the TV shows wonder about going back and NOT fucking up 'The Historical Timeline;ine". I wonder "If I could go back and change just this one time..." I I had said 'Yes.' to this or if we had gone and done that instead of what happened... It's  a fucking sad way to be wired. Some people REFUSE to review the past, I seem to do nothing but...