For some reason yesterday... well very early this morning as I was cutting over more vinyl to MP3 [Hoodoo Gurus anyone?] and cleaning up some files that I had of old tapes I'd cut over to MP3 when it hit.

Really, I was disgusted with myself for missing a song or two off a couple of important tapes that Jim had made for me [and one tape that will remain with me, a relic from another time]. So I sought out the tapes to make matters right again. Then as I looked at this pile of relics I was overcome with a sadness and a major dose of reality.

The tapes weren't at fault - they were just quietly sitting on the shelf there collecting dust. But I began thinking - what am I holding onto these for? Yes, I have a Walkman knockoff I bought in 1997 to take to the gym because... well, because no one would want to steal it. I haven't had a tape player in my car for about 3 years now. Yes, I really had one on my car up until like 2007. When I first bought my little 2000 truck, I took it to Best Buy and had a CD player taken OUT and the tape deck put in, much to the confusion of the little installer kid. But how was he to know I had enough music on tape to drive for about 12 days straight without repeating a tape [Notice: I did not say song, but tape!] But the time has come. As noted, the car tape deck died, then my honorable Pioneer double dubbing deck, bought when I was working at Forever Young back in 1996. Now Dad's old Optima is going - the right deck is out and I don't know how long the left deck has left. As I type this I am trying to pull songs off a double fistful of tapes before it goes.

But this wasn't how it started. I though originally just to clean up the stacked ones and toss a few stragglers. Tapes to the trash, index cards and cases into the recycling. [I'm sure the shells of the tapes themselves can be recycled, but I was also betting the miles and miles of tape will gum up whatever they smash / sort/ etc. with.] Pretty soon I'm on the floor and it's like shelling nuts - crack, remove pod, shells here...

Occasionally, I would look at one and remember. The Famous Chaz Labella Tape [and Son Of...] that I used to play out in the warehouse at Albar. "The OKC 98" tape, hitting the Moore curve way to fast blasting Keith Richards and the X-Pensive Winos. International Chaz which I played up and down the Queen Elizabeth Way between Toronto and Burlington ON [and the original "Portable Superchunk"]. Two dating back to 1985 / 86 - Lybbert's Records featuring Alice's Restaurant, Santana and John Lennon and the Marty Magical Mystery Tape which was a 'Stump the Chump' exercise sent from Belmont. Marty cheated - he put on some dude's class project take on Roger Miller's King of the Road.

Out of about 225 tapes, I have about 30 that I'm keeping. They'll park behind my DVDs and keep collecting dust but I'm not ready to cut them. 5 of them are the wonderfully ear opening tapes made for my by Jim Dunnigan. When I think about all the albums I bought because of the things I heard on those tapes, it's pretty damn scary! Patti Smith, Television, Superchunk, the Damned, Soul Asylum [before their 'hits'], Supergrass, the Gits... One tape from 1988 that reminds me of... a few store bought tapes...

When I was done, I felt dusty and a little bit sad.I used to have tapes going about 95% of the time I was in one of my vehicles. To work. From Work. To second job. To Jim's. To the bar. To Dallas. Blasting songs at ear splitting volumes on the back roads of southern Tarrant County when I was clearly in no condition to be driving. Shouting the blues with the Allman Brothers the night my friend pulled the girl I was making a play for - and the mofo never called her! The Motown / Stax compilations I used to make and play at Forever Young. Exploring all kinds of musical avenues from Eddie Cochrane to Sam Cooke and Percy Sledge to the deep catalogs of the Beatles and the Stones to Aerosmith and the Steve Miller Band and Little Feat and the Cars to Faster Pussycat, Soundgarden, Wilco, Whiskeytown all the way up to the Foo Fighters.

Any song on any album I owned between 1986 and about 2003 could wind up on one of these tapes. They got me from Burleson to Houston a few times, to Wichita more than a few and once from Euless to Nashville to Pittsburgh and Cleveland and back again over a ten day stretch.

I guess it was inevitable. To quote those plucky Canadians, Rush: "Changes aren't permanent, but change is." But some changes are permanent. I've just tossed a connection to the last 25 years of my past. Yes, I still have a lot of that music on LP, CD and MP3. And I love the convenience and quickness of burning CD comps for my friends, I sometimes miss the time a song is being taped to think about the next song. I miss the adventure of a mix tape that just goes someplace you weren't expecting. And that last song of the first side jam -"Only about 2 and a half minutes, what can I squeeze in there that doesn't sound like a time filler?"

One day they'll be excavating under some building they've built on the landfill and they'll come across this mass of plastic and magnetic recording tape and wonder - but will only be rock and roll on an outdated medium. So long baby, and Amen.

This is the Broadview parking lot as the sun is rising Christmas morning.
That's all ice under that snow, too.

My Christmas {Ho Freakin' Ho}

It's O'Dark Thirty on Christmas morning. Okay, it's 4:30am and under any normal circumstances, 4:30am is only a perfect time to be snuggled down between flannel sheets and a blanket snoring soundly. And maybe dreaming, although my dreams have been a little weird lately, mostly due to stress. This morning it would be an even better time to be piled under in the bed, as the Metromess was slammed by snow and sleet yesterday - conveniently while I was at work doing a mid shift in preparation for my ungodly hour of the morning trek in today. So because I know what the roads were like last night before everything had a chance to really freeze good and hard, I know it will be a long drive in this morning. When I got home last night, I had to put some weight in the back of the ol' pick-em-up and I found some - books! Boy do I know from my last move that those suckers get heavy in a hurry. [Don't worry, they're in plastic bins with lids, not exposed to the elements.] I guess this is one time that being a book rat paid off. AT LEAST the wind has stopped blowing everything sideways. 'I should have preloaded the coffee pot before I went to bed' I think to myself. Geez, I went to bed at 10:30! I don't remember the last time I was in bed for the night at 10:30 without having a fever, chills or being drunk. I did manage to get about 6 hours of good sleep, so while I will be groggy, I shouldn't be too bad until the caffeine jitters make it impossible to slug down another cup of Joe - probably about noon. People like hardwood floors, but this is original 1940s technology with no sub floor here and sometimes that chill just comes blowing up through those grooves. This is what sweatpants and socks are for, and I stumble out for my med, vitamin and load the machine. I flip on the tube to get an update on the weather and traffic, but all that's on is the national "Pre Our Usual Morning Show featuring the People with No Seniority" news and there and spots to cut to local weather, but being Christmas, I guess all those folks got the day off. I am waiting for the coffee and my mind wanders a bit. I can remember being up once or twice in the late 400 / early 500 hours on Christmas morning and I'm sure somewhere in this neighborhood, the Christmas magic is playing out. I can really still feel the wonder of a room lit up by blinking Christmas tree lights and seeing what looks like a hundred presents strewn all across the living room. Soon everyone is in the living room in pajamas or sweats and a robe and ripping paper and "ooh"-ing,"all right!"-ing and thanking. Memories of Mattel Electronic football and baseball, albums and books and later Cd's, Star Trek play sets and superhero action figures... The smell of a real tree always make me smile, maybe even this year. This year has just been kind of blah, and not for just me this time. I know a lot of people who have all said that their spirit is just lacking this year. I haven't had one in years because I'm lazy. [Mom didn't have a real tree either.] For years, Christmas hasn't been about me anyway. I've been going out on Christmas Eve and making cookies [and watching A Christmas Story] with my nieces and trying to bond a little with them. Then getting to watch them open presents on Christmas morning. The magic is fading from Shelby - 14 and "Too Cool For Christmas." It will fade from Erin in a couple of years and eventually from Meta, too. Talk about innocence lost - when the kid loses the magic of Christmas, innocence isn't far behind. I caught a bit of the news last night before retiring - inches of snow, blizzards snarl holiday travel. I guess we get used to seeing stories like this when Chicago and Denver get socked in every winter - and who in their right mind routes themselves through those two places between October and March? Our office is right under the landing approach for DFW and I know what conditions were like here all afternoon - shitty. The snow and sleet pellets started about one and by the time I went to lunch at 3:30 there was white stuff everywhere. It wasn't sticking to the streets, but my driver's side door was covered in ice and it took a good yank to get it open. I had to get gas and the keypad at the first pump I stopped at was frozen - it would not take my PIN. A Super Bird and some nice chicken soup was a great lunch on a day like that. Dallas - Fort Worth doesn't usually get a lot of snow; we usually get ice. Denton to the north and Abilene out west get snow. Not five inches like Abilene got yesterday. Imagine the poor schlubs who had 6am flights booked out of here that now have to get up at 3:30 to get to the airport by five and get through security to hurry up and wait. And the poor dude who has to be there at the Starbucks to give those cranky people their coffee. At least this will keep traffic down. I had planned to get on the road near 5:20, but this snow pushes that way up. I am out of the driveway at 5:10, about ten minutes later than I wanted, but I did warm the truck up for a change. I go the overland route most of the way - I get on 121 at Harwood and 35 M.P.H. it into Freeport. The worst spot was right at our office turning off Freeport onto Esters - those slow turns little traction. I had just read in The Man's Guide To Life about driving in the snow and ice - higher gears for better traction. I start from every stop in second and I seem to do okay. I jam out to Cheap Trick all the way in - no sappy Christmas carols for me, thank you. Maybe Robert Earl Keen's Merry X-Mas From the Family a few times. I do a couple songs twice - On Top Of the World and I Can't Take It, possibly the best song Robin Zander ever wrote. Hallelujah, I have managed to make it one holiday without hearing Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer! I also managed to quit Forever Young before the edict came that Christmas music must be played non-stop starting December 1st. I do not miss working retail at Christmas time, either. Even a cool place like a record store gets a little hectic at the holidays. Well, I just noticed this on my receipt for the presents. Well, really on the 'bonus receipt' that Borders gives - you know, the one with the cafe coupon or the "buy a book in the next week get 30% off." They have a flippin' ad for Geico on it! And magazine subscriptions. How lame is that? I know the books and CDs business is slow to dreadful - and someone explain to me why my nieces hardback is 16.95 and my Chuck Klosterman is 25.00 - but holy cow! Oh, have you been in Borders lately? IF your Borders still has music, it's down to about a dozen bins. What was once an exciting Oasis [ha ha - see it capitalized like the band?] of deep catalog titles has become Wal-Mart or Target. New titles, greatest hits, that's it! Jazz and it's 80 year history is half a bin. If it's not Miles Davis, Coltrane or Diana Krall, it didn't happen according to this place. Yeah yeah, keep the slow titles in your warehouse Borders and B&N and keep the hot stuff in the stores for quick turnover. I should be pleased about this because it will drive real music lovers to places like Forever Young, but Still I'm Sad [see capitalized like the old Yardbirds tune]. But places like Borders used to have huge music sections manned by people who knew the music. You'd go in and check out the listening stations because you could find something there you'd never heard before [like Medeski, Martin and Wood, Gomez or Martha Wainwright] or listen to the album you've been back and forth about. [And it's not the same hitting the website and getting a random 30 seconds of the song.] Now all of that's gone.Where do the 'hep young dudes' go now for musical interaction? I know they used to go to Sound Warehouse [or Peaches or whatever the hip record store was that was not Musicland or Sam Goody or F.Y.E. or Vrigin Megastore - one cannot be 'cool' hanging out in a mega mall record chain. That's why Sound Warehouse died - Blockbuster bought them and tried to turn them into a major chain... Anyway, is it really all down to sitting at the computer and talking to your Facebook buds and downloading [or filesharing] stuff? Has something as personal as musicaltaste become as cold and impersonal as the internet? Let's get Chuck Klosterman to investigate it! Speaking of Chuck, I am slogging through Eating the Dinosaur [I'm very tired and it's hard to concentrate] and Chuck's on about Nirvana's In Utero, talking about how the record was HYPED as an album people would hate.But he mentions bassist Krist Novoselic and that dude always sets me off. In things I have read [admitting I have never met the guy], he seems like a 100% total asshole. I get the impression that he thinks Nirvana was the pinnacle of the whole existence of rock and roll and that everything before and since is shit. I hoped to rant on some more stuff but I was just too tired. Maybe that's a good Christmas present for you all. Have a Happy and safe New Year's Eve / Day. Let's try and keep everyone around, eh? And hope 2010 is better than 2009 turned out to be. SALEH!

I am getting tired of writing eulogies. But I have to say a few words again. From the December 2009 Texas Monthly [p. 120]: With the end of every year comes an accounting of life - our triumphs, our disappointments, our hopes fulfilled or yet unmet. It is also a time to reflect on those who won't be coming with us into the next year. Robin Marie Scott passed away Saturday December 12th. I don't know any details. The news in itself is a shock. This is the girl I went to my prom with. The second girl I ever French kissed. And now she is no longer with us. And it's really shaken me up. My sister had a girlfriend she went to school with and was tight with who got ill and passed in a long, slow decline. One of the girls in her class died of cancer probably close to a decade ago now. I haven't kept up with a lot of my classmates, so I don't know how the Class of 85 is holding up. Robin went to school with my cousin Sherri, so she was one year behind me. I'll never forget the first time I met Robin because it was a party at our house - my parents, Sherri's parents and others. The parents were out drinking in the RV until they decided it was time for us to go to bed. Then they sent us out there. Being October or maybe early November - I seem to recall it was near Halloween - it was a little chilly and Robin kept chiming out "B-b-b-baby it's cold!" Next time I saw her, we picked her and Sherri up at Robin's and went to some house party - an empty house with a bunch of 16 and 17 year old kids drinking Budweiser in the short brown bottles and blasting Motley Crue and Ratt tapes. Good gosh she was pretty. And I got her phone number. We spent hours on the phone, me in Burleson, Robin in Arlington - talking about the nothing that high school kids talk about. I'd make Robin tapes and write her notes and try to widen her world view a little. We'd sit on the back of my 79 Caprice and talk when I could get to Arlington. Robin knew how to have fun and I always had fun with her. We went to a concert where she ditched us [the first, not the last].She'd cut school and we'd hang out at her house or go down and sit by the lake at Feather Beach. We went to my prom. We had a falling out and Sherri gave her a black eye over it. She was the first to tell me "You look like this guy on MTV [Roland Orzabal of Tears For Fears]." She was the first to turn me onto U2. She was the first [and so far, last] girl to throw a drink in my face. I liked Robin - a lot. Much more than she liked me. Actually, she probably liked me okay, just much differently than I liked her. I was sad and bitter about that for a long time. The last couple of times I saw her - and this was a good 20 years ago - I guess I realized I was being stupid and mended fences. I'd send emails out occasionally and get replies from the Virgin Islands or Georgia or South Carolina. Robin was too busy to write. She was a go go go, do do do kind of person. Robin did encourage me to write. Eventually, a Christmas card she sent that said "Your talent is wasting away - write something!" that sent me to the computer to compile and edit my writing. I got rid of tons of evil, bitter things I didn't feel anymore and all the Jim Morrison and Bob Dylan inspired ramblings and found my squeaky little voice. I self printed 20 copies of Angels & Devils & Thorns In My Pride at Kinko's. It was dedicated to Robin Scott and she got copy # 2. I hope at some point she read it and enjoyed it. It doesn't matter if she did or not, she got me off my butt for a few weeks and made me do something. When I got occasional email there was always talk of "When I get back to Dallas..." But it never happened. We'll never get those drinks and that catch up talk now. The impact that someone I haven't seen in two decades passing is really weird. But I guess she's the first person near my age that I've known who's passed away in a few years. That stuff shakes you up. Makes you realize just how short this life can be. I like to think we helped each other see things a little differently. The song I always associate with our friendship is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' Even the Losers: It was nearly summer, we sat on your roof / We smoked cigarettes and stared at the moon / And I'd show you stars you never could see.... So long, baby and Amen.

"Mills, Robert Edward Age 59, of Irving, TX, died on December 04, 2009."

That's the obituary. That's it. Probably just like Lynyrd Skynyrd's Curtis Leow, "On the day ol' [Robert] died, no one came to pray / Preacher said a few ol' words and they chunked him in the clay..."

Robert was no one to me, but then again, he was someone I considered a friend. Robert was the weekend guard, 6am to 6pm at Broadview. I would see him walking around after I got in at 230. Since our department isn't usually swamped taking calls, he would stop and chat with us - probably the first time was commenting on one of my myriad of hockey jerseys.

Over a year or two, I got to know a little about the man. He was from Michigan, like Michigan football, the Detroit Red Wings and the New England Patriots [despite this, he was a nice guy]. He liked linving in Boston when he was there, like all the co-eds.He also worked in Vegas and a the J.C. Penny headquarters in Dallas.

Robert was always upbeat and in good humor. Looking back, he was someone else at the office you see and discuss sports, politics, work and life with. Being an older gentleman, maybe I would even say a kind of surrogate uncle who tells you about his life and times.

I had finished a project for him, putting some Smothers Brothers and Bob Newhart albums onto CD for him. I never got to give it to him. When he was absent last Saturday, I kind of assumed he had taken a day off or was keeping an eye on the workers in the building. But my co-workers said he wasn't in Sunday either. I went down on my first break yesterday and asked the guard on duty and was told he's passed away. It felt like someone punched me in the chest. My stomach dropped. RObert was a lively, sprightly type. But it was true.

The saddest part to me - besides not getting to give him his CD nor take his razzing for the Steelers losing to two of the worst teams in the N.F.L. in 5 days - is that the man died alone. Whether in his apartment or if he made it to the hospital, he had no friends or family near. He only had one brother in Florida.

And that one line obituary. Did anyone else know his father was one of he Whiz Kids who came to the rescue of Ford Motor Co. in 1946 [Ben Mills, who became President of Lincoln - Mercury]. Did anyone know he was named for Robert MCcNamara? I don't' know.

Robert was no one to me. He was just another one of those people we bump into in our lives at the office or at a shop or restaurant we frequent. But sometimes those people on the edges make a little impact in our lives.

I'd just like to say it was an honor to know you, Robert. So long, baby and amen.

I know Uncle Rich hates when I talk politics on my little Blog, but I have to say something here. I was listening - well, I had the Sean Hannity show on my radio as I was only about five minutes from work and they started talking about "What's On My Tivo" on the Ticket. So Hannity is doing his usual shtick, "The Obama administration will pass the GW Bush's record of foreclosures 3.9 million to 3.2 million." Then he pipes up against "The Government" setting limit on Executive pay and bonuses on companies who took Federal bailout money at $ 500,000. "This isn't fair, this isn't America. Half a million sounds like an obscene amount of money -and it is - but these people took out mortgages and loans based on having 2 or 3 million coming in! You're going to force these people into default. Do you know what will happen to the economy when these people stop buying boats and stop taking expensive vacations?" Look - these people still HAVE jobs because the American taxpayers bailed them out. They still have jobs after they ran their companies right to the brink of bankruptcy and crashing the American economy into a tree. I have no problem limiting their compensation at all. They obviously need to learn how to budget anyway. So they have to give up the luxuries like country club memberships and trips to Europe. {And they've all ready stopped buying boats and private jets.] This is akin to you or me turning off the HBO on our cable, or turning off the cable to make ends meet. If it forces some of these people into default, then GOOD. Give them a taste of their own bitter medicine. You can bet none of them have escalator loans with the down payment and taxes and fees rolled in like they sold to the folks on the streets. I didn't get to hear anything after that, but I'm guessing the next words were "These companies need to pay these extremely big bonuses to keep their executives from going elsewhere." Poppycock. You're going to leave a good stable job right now when everyone [except Congress] is tightening the belt? Not on your life! Speaking of our fine representatives on Capitol Hill, when will it be time for them to cut up the credit cards and learn to live on a budget? I was down on the Bush administration when they poofed [printed] 100 billion into existence and gave us all a check to do whatever we wanted to with it. What they hoped was that we'd go spend it - I guess at bars or buying American products - the only thing I can think of made in America these days are strippers and booze. But most of us, who were looking at the way things were going spent a little extra at the grocery store and gave the rest back to Visa. Or tried to catch up the mortgage. Shame on us! Then the new year brought out an emergency spending bill double that of the Bush Stimulus package [and let's not forget setting aside 700 billion to bail out AIG, GM, Chrysler and other entities that are "Too Big To Fail [Though It Looks Like They Are Doing Exactly That]." So over the past two years, the Congress has maxed out their credit by spending approximately 200 million million dollars that we do not have. And the jobless rate has continued to climb and the economy is growing worse by the day so the Congress is talking about ANOTHER stimulus package! Is it any wonder that China and the Arabs don't want to extend us any more credit? We're spending like a drunken ex-wife of Donald Trump! Want to see what's in store for the U.S? Go to the bookstore [or library if you are so inclined] and turn to pages 30 - 31 in Dick Morris's book Catastrophe. Look at the time line of the Japanese government following the Kensyian economic plan and trying to spend your way into prosperity. All the stuff that was tried back in the 30s that didn't work is the same path being followed today. Large and persistent deficits did not end the depression - people knew those temporary jobs could go away in a heartbeat and they didn't spend. With the shape this economy is in now, no one is spending. Even if we get another stimulus check or 'early tax rebate' that money will dry up like a rainfall in the desert. People will pay down dents with it, which doesn't stimulate the economy one whit. Oh, and let me add a huge thank you to the Federal Reserve for low interest rates. The low interest rate that allows me to make maybe $ 0.12 in interest on my saving this year. Lower interest rates for loans equals lower rates on savings. So I do the smart thing and keep money around for an emergency, which the bank loans out, and I am supposed to make money on. I never thought I'd YEARN for the days of 3.25 % interest on my savings! Yes, the Fed is trying the Friedman approach to solving the slowing economy - lowering interest rates to increase the supply of money and credit. Yes, when the economy heats up again there will be inflation and then the Fed creeps up those rates again to slow everything down. That's not working this time because interest rates are at new lows, but the banks are holding their cash as a hedge against losses. They're sitting on the money. That's why we need tax cuts again. Priming the pump is not working - give the people their money and let them work their way out. As far as healthcare is concerned - latest CBO numbers on the Reid [Senate] plan show we will still have 24 million people without heath care coverage. This boondoggle isn't about healthcare - it's about expanding government and it needs to be stopped. In Catastrophe, Morris quotes Ken Lee of the Canadian Conservative Party [p. 112]: Canada's model of universal health care is failing. With unlimited demand for free services and a virtual monopoly delivering limited health services, the result has been an unsustainable level of publis spending [up to 43 % of gross governemnt revenue] and increasing rationing of services in the form of waiting lists [my emphasis]. ...There is no accountability to the patient. The patient does not come first; unfortunately, the system comes first. This is what Congress wants to do to you. I truly wish we could throw all of the rascals out - both Houses - and start all over again. WITH TERM LIMITS AND A BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT. And lobbying reform. And no more earmarks. It's an impossible dream, but I wish it were so. A quick word on the Republican Party itself: Get new blood as the face of the party. Republicans have a tradition of everyone waiting their turn to be on top: Goldwater, Nixon, Reagan, Bush 41, Dole and McCain. And that's fine. But you're not going to energize anyone by putting 60 and 70 year old men who still think it's the 1980s as the face of the party! We need to start seeing some young folks and pretty soon. I like Mitt Romney - he's a fairly young dude and he's had real jobs before. Sarah Palin, like her or not, is a young and fresh face that energizes people. Learn this lesson. Fast. Final thing on politics: A governor takes the State's plane and tells some aide's he's going hiking, but instead take the plane chasing some Latina tail in Argentina. And is gone for a week. Did I mention with the State of South Carolina's plane - and I assume a pilot or two. And they taxpayers probably paid for the gas. and let's not forget the taxpayer funded trip in 2008. But he's not going to be impeached for this. What the hell is wrong in this country? This is not a 17 year old kid defying his parents and going to see some girl he was hot for in Arlington [like I did]. This is an elected official neglecting his duties, lying about his whereabouts and misusing a plane that is not his! I got grounded for my indiscretion - the Governor should be, too. Impeach. Out of office i disgrace. But I guess that is saved for people who don't pay taxes on their illegal alien nannies or cars and drivers provided by their employers. My friend Jim just recommended a good new law - if a politician is caught having an affair with anyone - man, woman, Congressional Page, secretary, Chief Of Staff, hermaphrodite hooker, camel, etc - you are not allowed to bring your wife [or husband] up on the stage to look uncomfortable while you admit to your mistakes. Spare us that photo op. Let your significant other hide away and plot of ways to really kick the chair out from under you. That's it, I'm out.

Today would have been my grandfather's 90th birthday. I almost said it should have been, but who really knows when you start talking about ages after 80.

It's been a year and 3 months since he passed away. To think about "well I haven't seen so-and-so for a year" and you know it happens all the time, right? Of course there have been times I have not seen my grandparents for two or three years. But to know you won't be able to speak to them or write letters or anything...

To my nieces and my baby sister a year seems like a long long long time - I know it did when I was a teenager too! But as I've gotten older days and weeks and years just seem to all melt together and I really have to think about a year and try to remember who I was with or who I hung with or who lived where and try and tie all my memories together. And some things I just gave up on.

It is getting a little easier to deal with. There are still times I long to hear the old man's voice and laugh. I get a little quiver sometimes when I look at pictures. I think about lessons, like the oil filter lesson. To poke myself, I grabbed a wrong oil filter off the shelf one day and Grandpap pointed out that the one I was about to put on didn't look anything like the one I took off. But being a smart ass 17 year old I snapped off "Oh it's a GM product, it will work" and started the engine, dumping 5 quarts of new motor oil onto the driveway. So I learned "Get the right part the first time!"

Once we were out on the yard and Grandpap bet me a quarter or a dollar that he could jump higher than a fence post. Now we had barbed wire [then] around the field and those posts were a good 4 and a half feet high, so I thought this was an easy one. He jumped about four inches off the ground and said "Now let's see the fence post jump." And I paid. And I learned "Don't trust Grandpap!"

He always had wit and liked a good clean joke. He always liked music [not the "noise" his kids and grand-kids listened to - once when I was up in Pennsylvania for two weeks with no rock and roll! My aunt Becky loaned me a couple of eight tracks and I got to listen to them down on the radio in Grandpap's workshop - but not too loud.] and could often be heard whistling or humming around the house.

In later years - after I turned 30 - I just liked talking with him. I learned a lot about the family history and some stuff about the war because I asked. Sometimes he would just talk about how life was when he was young. Sometimes we'd just sit and smell the fresh air and enjoy the sunshine and just chat about nothing, too.

He was always proud of his family - eight kids, sons and daughters in law, grandchildren, great grandchildren... as he got older his tolerance for noise and tom foolery went down, but he could usually find a few good minutes for the even the youngest.

I've often said I felt the old man was at peace with fate. We all know we're going to go sometime sooner or later and my grandfather was no exception. Probably every winter since 1990 was going to be his last. Going through periods of a year or three not seeing my grandfather [a lot of my family actually] the changes that occur gradually would shock when I did get 'home.' The shaking of the hands while raising a cup of coffee. The gradual stoop of an old man as gravity pulls at in invisible millstone around his neck called "age." I'd say graying and balding, but he's been gray and bald as long as I can remember! The frustration of not being able to do what he wanted! His body was failing, breaking down, but in his mind he could still do what he could do what he could do a decade ago. I'm sure that betrayal drove him mad, though in the last couple years I think he sort of resigned himself to and accepted it.

I know in my mind's eye I will see sometimes remember him stooped and using a walker, but I will want to remember him as the "Grandpap" of my teens, when he could still hit the road and do most of what he wanted to do.

I miss you a lot, sometimes, Grandpap. I miss kissing you on the top of your bald head the way I'd sometimes miss your scratchy beard on my face and the smell of Old Spice when I was a kid. I miss your wit and loving advice and your laugh and the twinkle in your eye. I miss your enjoyment of life!

My NASCAR Day

My long time friend, Lt. Col Scott A. Downey [USA - Ret] was unable to attent the Friday and Saturday events at Texas Motor Speedway this weekend and entrusted me with his tickets. I was able to give the Friday truck race tickets to one of my co-workers and Jennifer and I set out for the Saturday Nationwide Series Race.

The first problem, of course, is that the race is set to start at 1130 a.m. - about half an hour after I usually get up for the day. But I was excited about the adventure of my first trip out to the Speedway and hopped up at 730 and we were on the road at 830. We opted to take the Fort Worth T Park and Ride so the driving would be someone else's headache. I think it was a good call because after the race I was so tired and sore from walking that I could not really handle some nice post event road rage. By the time we got back to the parking lot I was mostly calmed, although a headache had popped up. And since I KNEW I didn't want to try getting back on I 35, we scooted back to Casa de Chaz by taking Jacksboro Highway / Henderson St. back into downtown. A Heineken at the casa and I was O-U-T out for a long nap.

So we got to the Speedway about 930 and we walked what I guess I would call the midway for about 45 minutes. This is the rows of sunglasses huts, scanner renters, sponsor booths and the driver merchandise trailers. Lots and lots of NASCAR folks here - lots of Junior lovers, Jeff Gordon folks and a few Smoke fans. Jenn and I each got a Tony Stewart cap and I got the program package. We could hear the Sprint Cup practice going on, so we headed for our seats.

Scott's suite - and just what the heck are we paying Army officers these days, cause this place was sweet - was as far from the parking lot as you could get and still be on TMS property. I mean we were way down at turn number four with the start/finish off to our right. Scott's seats are front row in the suite though. Suites are a cool deal too - they had barbeque and fried chicken and sodas and water and cookies - all gratis! There are TVs and the broadcast is piped in so you can see replays and pit stops and stuff. We watched about half an hour of practice - the color scheme for Montoya's 42 sucks eggs. The introductions and everything are piped in... we could see the portable grandstand but not really anything going on over there. The colrs and a moment of silence for our fallen at Fort Hood, the National Anthem and it's "Let's go racin'" time!

The race - well it was a foregone conclusion by about lap 50. It wasn't EVEN close. I berated Lt. Col. Downey for leaving early the year Carl Edwards just smoked everybody from the get go, but I see why he would. Kyle Busch was driving this race like he had a date with Jessica Simpson in Dallas at 230 - he was just driving the wheels off! He was lapping people 20 laps in. It was like everyone else was driving '75 Monte Carlos out there and he had a 2009 Mustang. The analogy I came up with is this: Imagine you're a fighter pilot over Germany in 1944, a fighter ace in your P-51 Mustang and you are the hot shit in the skies - then an ME-262 jet goes screaming through your formation and you go "WHATTHEFUCKWAZAT?!?!?"

Still, I had a good time watching the race. But this was the Nationwide race. There were a lot of empty seats in grandstands and suites and in the parking lot and it was still a LOT of people. I looked at the crowd as we were booking back across the midway to the buses and said "Imagine tomorrow when there's three times as many people!"

Thanks Scott - I though I owed you a dinner when I got the tickets, but I'm not sure what I owe you now. Although you got me into this cockamamie NASCAR thing doing the fantasy league - we'll not talk about this year's standing, right? A thousand GRACIAS, senor, hope to see you very very soon!